C l e a n s i n g.

With this new journey, I’ve come to realize that I needed to rid myself of a lot of things and that I need to do A LOT of cleansing. I smoke-cleanse my home all the time, but it’s time to declutter my life and my home. It’s time to rid myself of things that no longer nurture me.

At first it was social media. My original intent was to completely get rid of all of it. But being so far away from family and friends, I decided not to. So with that, I keep Facebook but cleaned out my friends list and will probably do so again. Twitter is a place where I follow a lot of spiritual people and I actually met a few people who are absolutely inspirational to me. But again, I cleansed my following list. The only downside to keeping social media is that I still see a lot of negativity and a lot of hate. And every now then, I get sucked into the drama even when I try not to. I may not always actively be a part of it, but I followed it when I could simply scroll past and go on about my business. Either way, I’ve done a lot of unfriending and unfollowing and I can definitely see a difference. It’s a bit lighter. On top of social media, this includes relationships. I don’t mind cutting off ties with people that don’t do anything but bring me down. I have my family and a few good/best friends and that’s all I need. I’m not that much of a social butterfly anyways, so not much is changing with this.

My job is another thing that I no longer have. I didn’t really have much of choice in quitting, but it would have only been a matter of time. It just happened sooner than I thought it would have. I actually liked having a job. It felt good to have one. I got pregnant as soon as I got out of the military and that was in June of 2014. The military was my first and only job until October of 2016. When I got the job, it was to have a little extra money. At the time, it wasn’t something that I needed. I wanted to have a little extra money to save, but I worked there for almost a year and still didn’t learn how to save for shit. Granted I didn’t get paid that much, but still. Retail isn’t what I thought it would be. And it just so happened that I chose the one store in the entire mall that got trashed and destroyed the worst. And DAILY. Don’t get me wrong though. It wasn’t all bad. I liked the people that I worked with…well most of them. But we won’t get into that. It makes work go by a little smoother when you have co-workers that you enjoy being around. And my boss was very understanding of my situation and always worked with my hours when I needed to. It’s one of the reasons that I didn’t want to leave. Most probably would have fired me to be honest. Still overall, it was too much of a negative environment for me especially when I found out I was expecting baby number two. And since this pregnancy is a lot different than my first, I feel like this is all new to me. So although a situation came up to where I had no choice but to quit, I take it as a sign that it was time for me to go anyways.

Eating healthier is another way of cleansing in a sense. As many times as I’ve said I was going to start eating better and failed, it kind of becomes like the little boy who cried wolf. My inner ‘eat-whatever-the-hell-you-want’ girl is probably rolling her eyes. But as the older I get, metabolism just doesn’t quite work the same way. And some of that has to do with the fact that I’ve become very lazy with fitness and just not watching what I put into my body. I have to start treating it with respect. Another big life change is that I want to become vegan or at the very least, vegetarian (for now). It’s not just health reasons, either but also ethical. Becoming vegan has been heavy on my mind especially lately. I did give up meat once before but it didn’t last long. Mostly because I’m selfish and also because I never attempted to actually try recipes out of my comfort zone. I can’t go full on vegan in a day. It has to be a slow transition, as I am 18 weeks pregnant. So right now, I’m just giving up meat. AND YES YOU CAN GET PROTEIN AND NUTRIENTS FROM ELSEWHERE THAT DOESN’T INCLUDE MEAT.. Plus, I still need to learn what I like and what I don’t. Most of the products I use are already vegan/animal cruelty free. Might as well make the food I eat animal free too. It’s not going to be easy at first and it’ll be a lot of hit or miss, but I’ll get the hang of it.

And last, but definitely not least…electronics. I hate to admit this, but I spend entirely TOO much time on my phone and in front of the tv. Often, you can catch me scrolling through Facebook and Twitter. Or in front of the tv crying because Shonda just killed off one of my favorite characters on Grey’s Anatomy…or binge watching some TV show on Netflix/Hulu (especially Charmed/Law & Order SVU) . I’m really bad about binge watching shows. I want to get in the habit of meditating and mentioning things I’m grateful for when I first wake up instead of checking my notifications. I want to get in the habit of spending more time outside and in nature instead of sitting on the couch (just maybe when it gets a wee bit colder. Sorry, but I don’t care for summer time because of the heat). Plus, my son absolutely loves being outside. I want to get in the habit of picking up my book instead of my phone when I’m bored while my son is napping. I love reading. I LOVE it, but I don’t do enough of it unless it’s a Facebook post or tweet. FYI, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being on your phone or watching tv. But simply that I do too much of it and that I need to spend less time with it. That’s all.

This are only some of the ways I’m changing things so I can better myself. To put it all in one blogpost would be like writing a short story. But these are the things that I think affect me a lot as far as hindering my progress.

C L E A N S I N G. It’s my life right now so I can make room to grow. 🌱

Thank you for reading, and until next time.

-A.

Learning to deal with two very ugly traits.

Patience is a virtue. Quite a popular quote, huh?

Unfortunately for me that is one very deeming quality that I lack. I might be exaggerating here a little bit, but I honestly feel like I’m the most impatient person in the world and it’s probably one of my biggest downfalls.

In my first blog I mentioned getting to the root of my problems so that I can truly walk the path that I want and need. Being impatient sets me back a lot. And I get it, I’m only human but that excuse can only cover so much, if anything at all. Being a mother of a very adorable, but temperamental toddler is where I fail the most when it comes to patience. But honestly, it’s several things in every day life that tip me off. Even when I’m doing something as simple as waiting in line, I lack the ability to stand there and be calm without getting irritated. And I mean really irritated. It’s easy to make mad. It’s easy to push my buttons. The smallest things set me off. And that is one of the biggest things I don’t like about myself. I really, really don’t. Because of this, I usually feel like a bad mother. I feel like a bad wife. I feel like a bad person. Friend. Sister. Daughter. You name it. And then I feel bad because instead of just doing a simple “breathe in, breathe out”, I let my emotions consume me and not in a good way. It never helps me or anyone else out, and it’s a lot of energy wasted. And on top of energy being wasted, I allow it in my sacred space. I let it undermine me and I don’t even realize it most of the time.

So why is it that I react this way? That is a question I cannot answer right now because I simply do not know. It could possibly be an actual issue that I just haven’t looked into…maybe because I don’t want to admit it. Biploar disorder does run in my family. And I know there’s a lot more to it than just getting mad all the time. But this post is simply about this one thing of many issues I’m confronting so that I can better myself. It’s not really something I ever thought to talk about. Or maybe I refuse to. It has a negative stigma to it of people being crazy even when they’re not. Granted some cases are more severe than others, but still. I’ve talked about my depression and anxiety with others before, but never really this. And it’s about time I do. I don’t like being angry all the time. I don’t like being filled with negative emotions, either. I know I can change that, but I have a bad habit of letting them consume me. And that’s a problem.

Since I can’t quite get to the root of the problem, what I will do on this new journey of mine is to figure out ways to make it better. I need to learn to think before I react which may be hard at first, but it’ll help me. I need to learn when to just let it go or when to allow myself to have the appropriate reaction to the situation. I won’t ignore it completely because repressing negative emotions does absolutely nothing but make things worse. I’m a sucker for bottling up emotions and then just allowing it to blow which also something else I need to work on.

So with that being said, I want to engage in more things that are calming. I’ll be more consistent with meditating. I actually love it a lot. I always feel so much better afterwards, but I’ve never been consistent with it. I also want to spend more time in nature. I definitely don’t do enough of that. There’s nothing quite like it. It’s calming. It’s soothing. And nature is so damn beautiful. My favorite is during the fall and winter. Yoga. More yoga. Again, consistency is key. Being more aware of my thoughts and emotions and stop being impulsive. Being more in tune with myself. Taking more time for myself and actually using that time to benefit myself. More smoke cleansing and decluttering both in life and my home. I tend to hold on to a lot of stuff.  And while I do smoke cleanse, I don’t often do it when I feel like I need to the most. I know I’ve said I’ll do more of these things before, but there’s a reason I’m starting over. And that’s because I failed.

A lot of days I feel like a bad wife and mother because of this. And I hate that feeling. I know I will have days when I’m not okay. But my goal here is to have less of them because I think I have entirely too many. Don’t get me wrong, I try to be positive. But I know I can do better. So I will. For my family, but also for MYSELF.

Thank you for reading. Until next time.

-A.

Fresh Start.

Here I am, again. I’ve tried blogging before and it didn’t work out. I think I have about three or four blogs out there somewhere. This is the first time that I will be sharing with family and friends versus keeping it anon and making sure no one finds out about it.

I’m probably the world’s worst at saying I’m going to do something and then never do it. My husband has called me out on it numerous times as a matter of fact. For the past several months, I’ve been in a constant roller coaster of a rut. I’ve had little to no motivation for anything for the past several months. I’ve been lazy. Like really lazy. I feel like I’ve let myself go. I keep setting goals to get fit, eat healthier, to focus on my spirituality, and just better my mind and self overall. Have I done any of that? No. I set goals  when I came back from vacation saying that I was going to turn a new leaf. I still have yet to change. I always say at night before I go to sleep that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. It’s a new opportunity to start working on myself. I set ideas in my mind about what I am going to do the next morning, and every morning I wake up and do the exact same thing I do every day. I completely neglect any goal I set for myself. Each day I fail at bettering myself.

Consistency is key and that’s probably why I keep failing all the time. I’ll focus on one thing for a couple of weeks and that’s it. Whatever the deal is, I have got to get my shit together. I don’t like the person I am, and yet I do nothing to change it. I acknowledge that. I know who I want to be. I know I have to start small and not overload myself with changes. The first change was quitting my job. Granted it wasn’t really by choice and it was something that had to happen, but regardless it would have only been a matter of time. I liked my coworkers but on most days, it was a negative environment. Most days, I left pissed off and angry. It wasn’t the job itself but more so with the lack of respect customers had EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m not quite sure if I feel any happier just yet. But maybe in time. I used my job as an excuse from the very get go as why I never got anything done for myself…whether it was working out, yoga, tarot, anything and everything. I started with my job, but I’ll continue to make changes. Maybe not everyday or even every week. But I can’t stay stagnant anymore.

I’d like to think that I try to be positive and judgment free for the most part. But my mind is constantly filled with negative thoughts. They pop up in my head and I dwell on it. I have a bad, bad habit of thinking the worst case scenario about everything. It’s not healthy and a lot of the times, I don’t even mean to think like that. And while I do consider myself (again, for the most part) open minded, I catch myself scrolling through social media talking shit about something that was posted. Sometimes I’ll catch myself and redirect my train of thought. But I also catch myself judging and it’s usually something completely trivial. It’s almost always something not even worth my time worrying about. A lot of the time, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I do it in real life too. And that’s not who I want to be. I lose my patience like crazy. I get annoyed by a lot of shit. A lot of little stuff, by the way. I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people which is sad because I don’t often to get them.  I don’t like to take the blame for anything or admit when I’m wrong. I can be a very mean person sometimes...and so on. This is only the start of it. Mostly those are things that are easy to admit. But I have to get to the root of my bigger problems. I know I’ve got a lot to work on. I know I’m not perfect, but I also know I could be better. More kind. More compassionate. More PATIENT. More understanding. More loving. Learning to deal with anger, negativity, the bad stuff. And again, so on.

I’m writing this because it’s time for me to be truthful with myself. I try to be put on a façade on social media when in reality, I feel like a failure most days. I think maybe the start of the journey is admitting myself what my problems are and why I allow them to be. Why am I so negative? Why don’t I have any motivation? Why do I get so lazy a lot of the time? Why do I snap so easily? Why am I so angry all the time? Why, why, why? I don’t address any of it. The problems. The negativity. The lack of motivation. Everything. I just let each day pass by. And I believe that is the biggest reason I haven’t got that far with my spirituality. I won’t ever get far if I don’t deal with what’s holding me back instead of acting like everything is just fine and dandy 24/7. I know I’ve been in a rut/funk for quite some time but I never really took the time to look at why. I recently came something about shadow work, which is actually pretty interesting. From what I gather, it’s (in a nutshell) dealing with your inner “demons”. We all have them in some form or another. I do believe it would actually allow myself to truly start walking the spiritual journey that I want, to be the best mother, wife, and person that I can. Because who I am right now isn’t her. I was doing somewhat good for a little while but I also was lying to myself about a lot of things. And like with anything else, I fell off. I thought I was okay. I really have to dig deep inside myself to figure out what’s going on so that I can do what I have to do, and let it go. No more repressing but also, no dwelling. That way I can progress and grow, and move on. So that I can let my light shine.

So for the 187857385th time, I am doing a reset. I am starting this journey again. And I’ll keep at it no matter how many times I fail. I know who I want to be. I just have to be that person. Consistency is key. Something that I think would help is having a creative outlet. I used to draw as a kid but I haven’t picked up a pencil in years. Who knows. I might pick it back up again. Either way, it’s time to explore and really find my calling.

NOTE: this post isn’t meant to sound like I’m not happy in my marriage or being a mother. I don’t want anyone to jump to conclusions, so I’m clarifying. This has absolutely nothing to do with that and everything do with me. This is about me. I absolutely love my life with my husband and my son and our little one on the way. And I wouldnt change it. They are my world.

If you made it this far, thank you. Until next time.

-A.